flowersI think it’s hard to want to dream again after such seemingly, failure. I had great dreams of resurrection that for a while now have died. They don’t exist and if they do, they are stupid dreams because they’re impossible. I had forgotten why I wanted these dreams to come true, until today. When out of the blue an old friend sent me a text message. She has the gift of encouragement and peace and I remembered. I finally remembered why it is I’ve been believing and hoping so much for this dream to come true.

Love. The love I experienced from her and others who are a part of this dream, is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. And I want it back. It’s the type of love that feels like Jesus himself is giving it. I don’t want to settle for existing anymore, I want to live my dream. I want it to come true. I believe it will.

Father, forgive me of my doubt and blatant unbelief in your power and love. Lord help me see what you see. Help me not run when I’m in the darkest of dark situations, when its like my world is gone remind me it isn’t. The journey is whatever you will it to be and the outcome is what you have said it is. Help me not to despair as I get over myself and my lack of power. Show me grace that I can show it to others.
Amen

Love is the best accomplishment I think a human can have. I’ve been reminded this week that though you cannot control the other’s heart and affection, you can control yours. I’ve been neglecting my prayer life and abandoning all hope of reconciliation and restoration. I shouldn’t. There is so much love still there and even if its just on my side, I ought to take care of it and not throw water on it. I could be the most incorrect concerning he whom I love, and if that is the case, God is still good. It is still good because love cannot be bought, or downloaded or made counterfeit. It’s a sacrifice. It’s a devotion. And if it fades away, it was still better to be had than not. 

My life has mostly been ruled by fear. What I ate, what I wore, who I saw, what I said, where I went, the list goes on. That isn’t to say that I should have jumped off a 60 foot cliff, eaten spoiled food, or walked alone at night in the city; that is dangerous. But I’m talking about fear for the everyday living. That little speed bump that causes me to question my actions of bravery. 

Currently I am afraid that by choosing one thing, I’ll be giving up another. I know this isn’t true in my spirit. God in all His majesty won’t let me get in the way of His plans. Faith steps in when fear clouds and makes everything foggy. Just keep going, trusting and hoping. No matter how dark the water gets. The horizon is right there, the promised land is close. Just keep going. 

My wilderness in an ocean. It is vast, with strong currents that grapple every moment to try and bring me to a airless death. I see no end to it. Never the less, my promised land is at hand. It is close, with every plunge and every stroke I make I swim closer to it. I’m getting closer. I can feel it. I refuse to be lost at sea. The compass is set and towards the promise I will go. Father help me when I am lost. 

So, most people know that California has earthquakes. We get made fun of for it. In reality, we never really feel them unless they’re on the biggish size. They occur everyday, all day and none of us are the wiser. Except those people who live in those apartments built on rollers. They be swaying all the time. Two nights in a row now there has been a small but noticeable jolt. The first one I kinda missed and thought my cat had just twitched in her sleep on my bed. This time however, it was like something fell in my closet. The cat woke up so I knew it wasn’t her. I immediately google checked and twitter checked the word earthquake, but found nothing. I went to check to see if anything fell and when I came back, it had been posted. 3.8 earthquake outside of LA. I’m about an hour from LA so it was little. 

Thats kinda how my life has been lately. I went to Washington, got super amped up and excited and wanted to move there and start a new life right away. Came home, had my teeth pulled and watched as my plan kinda jolted out of place. I know the reason why nothing is going “according to plan.” 

He wants me to love Him. Give Him my undivided attention, not having any strings attached, not super conditional love and just get to know Him. He’s my God and He wants me to get that. I struggle to want that. I became so fed up with this so called promise I thought I was made and just did my own thing. I didn’t burst into flame but what I wanted, I didn’t get. At least not yet. Its a little bit of a shake up at the moment. I’m waiting for the dust to settle. 

I had my wisdom teeth removed today. I go to the type of dentist that wants to do everything above and beyond  to your teeth and gums. Its weird. I already hate going so having all 4 our at once, blah.

The night before the procedure I took the sleep aid they gave me. A couple hours later I start to feel nauseous and googled it. Valium. They gave me 10mg of Valium. I threw up some, rolled my eyes and went back to bed. Annoying. By the next morning however I was relaxed and gelling. Still 90% functional, with a little dizziness but fine other than that. I walk in and am literally ushered to my room. This place is huge and like a maze to me, beautifully decorated though. The mouthwash sits in ornate crystal decanters, you get the idea. After being awkwardly treated like an idiot (which I probably was looking like) I laid down and waited. More drugs were administered, this time crushed up ones that tasted like antifreeze. A few min later I was getting sleepy, kicked my mom out and rested. Until I almost fell asleep and the proceeder took off.

It started with them giving me oral shots. One after another and another. For some undiscovered reason this terrified me and I had a mini panic attack. After he was done I was able to tell myself to breathe and relax and I know God was telling me the same. I collected myself and we begun.

It was weird. The top two were great and I could feel (not fully) how he got them out. It was really cool. Super fast too.

The bottom however….those took about 1 hour each. The right one was super deep into the bone and they had to cut some of the bone to get it out …..(maybe it wasn’t ready, did you think about that?) and the left one was just…..hideous. I kept feeling when he would try and take it out. And I don’t mind pain but this was awful, plus I was really doped up! So about 3 shots later it was as numb as he could really get the area and pulled it out.

The problem see, was it had attached itself to the tooth next to it. Like a muscle at the beach. Now that tooth is damaged from drilling into and I’m hoping it stays strong. So after the Dr. explained to my mom what happened, once again the nurses walk me to the elevator making sure i don’t fall . They’re sweet.

As soon as we left I kinda zonked out in the car. We (mom) hit Coldstone, and I think Trader Joes. I went upstairs and changed the cotton gauze, took an ibu and slept for about 5 hours. Woke up, went and got a Evolution drink and some soup to eat cold and just chilled. My throat is extremely sore and it hurts to swallow anything. I’m praying that I’ll be fine tomorrow and forget all this. Not  that I remember most of it haha. My mom has been great through all this. Got me what I asked for, even if it was the wrong thing, but she did more than most parents ever would. I love her:)

Anyway, here are my 24hr chipmunk cheeks.

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My left side hurts more than my right but the right appears to be more swollen. interesting eh? ;-)

 

THE NEXT DAY

Photo on 1-11-14 at 7.08 PM #2

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Sunday was the worst. No photos of that. My lips exploded and I looked like a boxer (dog) who had been stung by a bee. My face is now normal but the pain is still there. it’s been an adventure. 1.16.14

I just got back from a trip I took to Washington state. It has taken me about 4 days to settle back into the OC way of life after having an amazing time outside of the bubble. Washington left an impact, a nice little imprint of itself on my heart. And I thought Oregon was amazing, turns out I just hadn’t gone far enough yet. My trip was less than flawless. A friend invited themselves to tag along and completely changed the dynamics of everything. I was definitely tested and sometimes I just flat out failed. This friend and I have our differences and respect “issues”. It was an adventure for sure. 

Yet, God did not abandon me to my self pity or attacks from other people. Nah, He was right there the whole time speaking love to me in different ways. Showing me new possibilities, teaching me to let go and open up. I did my fair share of resisting but to my surprise healing happened anyway. I finally let go of something I’ve been holding onto for so long and desiring more than God. What He chooses to do next is His will, and I’m looking forward to it. A move to this great state may be in order, or at least getting a little closer. For now I am just pursuing intimacy with Him. Gotta start from the bottom to get to the top. Solidifying our relationship is step one. 

I’m learning that hope can look like more than just this one idea I have it to be. It can come out of nowhere and be just way better. :) 

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